Prologue: The Many Paths
No Light, Only Rose
I've given a lot of thought to death but largely ignored dying. That probably sounds strange, I know, but dying seems much less interesting than death. And that's likely the biggest reason I barely noticed when the moment came and I arrived in the most piercingly dark place I'd ever known.
That happened so long ago now that I couldn't tell you a thing about my condition on arrival. Was I seated? Standing? Prone? Supine? I couldn't say. But I was there, and I was certain that I had died.
A million or more times since then, I've laughed at the terrible misconceptions people seem to have about death. You don't walk into a light. There's no heavenly host waiting to greet you. Bad people aren't cast into a lake of fire, and good people never have to praise their creator. It's just the end.
I have it on good authority that my experience with "The End" is not wholly unique, although it is particularly special among the souls who pass into the mysterious great beyond. Everyone is suddenly submerged in darkness. And everyone makes a choice to pass into oblivion or to face a deity. But once they face their deity, they are set on the next path.
But that's getting ahead of myself.
The Beginning
I remember my name. I've been told that it's my "true" name. The name of the very first me who ever existed. And apparently I am her? She is me? We have at various points in our shared history occupied the same state of existence, Pauli Exclusion be damned.
Because my name was basically all I remembered, I had to rely on second- or third-hand explanations of who I was before the darkness. And those explanations rang true as she told me who I once was.
Earth was my home, or that's what it was called. Terra. Earth. El Mundo. The third planet from the sun. The sun also had many names. Day-Star. Sol. "That big ugly yellow thing that lives up in the sky and burns us to our cores."
I studied mathematics. Geometry. The science of shape, if there could ever be such a thing. And I passionately pursued much more beside. For example, botany. Did you know that corn, whatever the hells that is, is a grass? Or it was a grass? As I understand it, Terra Earth no longer exists. Or never existed? It's hard to fully articulate. For all I know, that version of things has yet to exist and I'm destined to repeat all of this.
Or have repeated it?
The point is, I was interested in science before I kicked it, an expression which delightfully considers death as a very simple act. And I suppose it is, given that I certainly don't remember it. Well, that's not entirely fair. I remember dying. What I don't remember is the first time I did it. It's been so long since then, but I didn't even remember it immediately after it happened.
In a million million lifetimes across a million million worlds, I have died every conceivable way, and I remember in excruciating detail (literally, so in at least one case) all of those passages out of life and into death.
Except the first one.
When I arrived into the darkness of death, I was aware I had once been alive. There was a sense that I was no longer alive, despite the experience and understanding of those facts. And there was a single word that presented itself to me from the deepest darkest core of my being. Darker than the dark that surrounded me.
Rose.
I spoke the word with reverence for something I couldn't quite place, the whisper of my voice echoing around me from every direction except one. So I began to move in that quiet direction, uncertain what to expect, ready for nothing and hoping for something.
The light worked its way into my awareness so slowly and smoothly I didn't even really understand until I arrived in a wooded meadow, trees surrounding me on all sides, with what seemed an infinitude of paths extending into the darkness within those trees.
"Oh! It's you!" I hadn't noticed the otherworldly beauty until she spoke. "I wasn't expecting you just yet! Or I suppose ever. I was certain ..."
Her words trailed off, likely recognising my confusion at her greeting, and she paused, taking a breath. If there were a physical expression that represented a full-body reset, that was the gesture she made next. After getting herself together and repositioning herself, she started again.
"I've waited for this moment, for you, a very long time, Rose." So she knew the name as well. "Yes. I know the name. Your name. The name that is written into your soul deeper than any other part of you."
"Are you god?"
She physically recoiled at the suggestion. "Ew. No. I mean, I suppose I'm a goddess now, but I'm not the God you once believed in," the capital G was somehow apparent in the way she said the word. "Not that you believed in that prick for very long in the grand scheme, but you did. For a while."
"What is all this?"
Her head tilted, and she seemed to be processing something before allowing herself the freedom to answer. "Unless I am wrong, you know the answer to that question as well as anyone can possibly know it." A smile spread across her lips. "Or at least, you will know the answer within the next few breaths."
It was my turn to pause, considering what she could possibly mean, and I didn't get very far before coming up with an answer. "Life goes on. People live more than one existence. And they choose when it ends."
"Mostly."
"Mostly how?"
The smile she'd worn drooped quickly. "Not everyone is curious enough to find their way out of the dark. But it's worse. Some people only get one try."
"Who decides?"
"Each one of you decides for yourself." Her face turned introspective. "Every time you dare to dream of a world beyond, and every possible reality you imagine gives you one more life. It's almost like a video game. Except instead of a hundred coins, you earn it by being just imaginative enough that a world takes shape."
"Not to be an entire ass." I was trying to be polite, but the woman's words confused the ever loving fire out of me. "But what the hells is a video game?"
"Right. I forgot that the first time is like this." She gave herself another long second to reason her next words out carefully. "Your people figured out how to harness the power of the world to make rocks perform low-level magic. They made those rocks display images. And respond to input from people."
"And that's a video game?"
"I'm not explaining it well. Maybe your next journey will give you video games." She sighed. "I hope so."
"So how do I start my next journey?" I was eager to get on with the process. Everything about that forested meadow was unsettling.
"You just walk down a path. Make a choice. And go." Her expression turned hopeful. "You'll be back. And hopefully a lifetime away will help you feel a bit more at home with me."
"We'll see."
I took another look around the meadow, settling at random on one of the paths and started my way down it. A few steps in, I came to a fork, so I travelled left. At another fork, I went left again. That progression continued over and again for longer than I could be sure time was even passing.
Just as I was convinced the path would go on for ever, everything faded, and I awoke, screaming and naked being held by an ankle, and every thought in my head disappeared as I began my next life as Roisin.